Welling Up

I'm getting to that point. The one in that Anais Nin quote about the bud and the blossom. The one in that blog post about the Harajuku Moment. I'm almost tired enough of where I am to do the hard things. Today I carried my workout bag with me all day. I didn't make it to the gym, because I put people first and spent time with friends, then did backed up work (editing from JANUARY--for the love!) and then shopped for our party tomorrow, but I took the dang bag with me. If I decide to get up in the morning and go to the gym, I don't even need to get out of my pajamas. I can just walk to the car and drive to the gym. And maybe I will.

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Just Blue

I hate it when I feel like this. These days of depression that set in when my people leave and I'm left to think about all the things.

Today it took me literally all day to just put away the Christmas decorations, and I had to stop every hour and just sit. I had NO energy. None. All day long the snapchats and instagrams of people doing fun things and being together were making me feel petty and jealous and weird, even though I wouldn't have wanted to go anywhere had I been invited. What is UP with that situation? Why did I keep responding and looking?

Now I'm restless and can't settle for sleep, even though tomorrow is a long, busy day and I need to get rest. So it goes.

I sent some cards out, and gathered some things to give away, and I'm glad about that.
I took steps to get ready for my weekend away that starts Thursday. I'm taking an immersive class in design, so I have swatches to make and things to pack.

I'm considering joining a knitalong to use up some yarn that I've had for a while. It's always good to use up stash.

So, it's not as if the day was a total waste, but I feel like a waste, useless and stuck. I don't even know why.

Hopefully I can get it out of my system and reboot. I'm going to try and go to bed now.

These are the lovely Colorstorms yarns I'm thinking of making into
a Marley scarf. I'll end on a positive. 

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Some Questions

I know, how random. I'm back. I need someplace to write that's different from my regular blog, so here I am.

Here are some questions I encountered today in my Precision Nutrition Lesson:

Who are you?
What do you stand for?
What is truly important?
How are you going to live that every day?
Here are my answers:

I'm a daughter of God first. That's the most fundamental part of me. It informs and empowers all other things that I am. Because of that, I'm eternal, powerful, intelligent, and I am an agent unto myself, able to make choices and respond to every situation of life with knowledge and strength.

I stand for all the truths contained in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which includes being free to choose good and evil (and the fact that there has to be evil in order to really be free--if there was only good, there would be no opportunity for choice and growth). I stand for new beginnings, for forgiveness and repentance. I stand for charity and daily growth.

What is truly important is the connection between people. Relationships, support, love and learning matter most. The gospel is designed to make relationships between people who love each other last forever.

I can live this every day by continuing to focus on others but also recognizing that I have to take care of myself in order to do those things. In order to be truly connected to those I love, I have to be connected to myself first.

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My Precision Nutrition Story

Today our assignment is to tell our Precision Nutrition Story. Part of my story is in all the numbers and graphs on the PN site, but most of it is in my head.

Today, I'm determined to be positive, in spite of the numbers. Here are the things I see, feel and believe are different after this time in the PN program:

• I look different. As of now, I think I have a permanent weight loss of about 12-15 lbs, but with my body, it's hard to tell. Hormones and other factors regularly cause my weight to fluctuate up to 10 lbs in a week. My clothes do fit differently, and I've gone down sizes in certain things. 
• I am stronger. I could never do a full pushup, and now I don't need to do knee pushups at all. I'm actually really happy about that. Still no pullups or anything close, but I can keep working. 
• I really do try to do something for my fitness every day, whether its yoga or a few rounds of a 7 workout, or something. I'm still intimidated and largely uncomfortable with weight work in a gym, but I can keep working on that as well. 
• I think about food differently. The basic habits of eating slowly and eating protein and veg at every meal have helped me tremendously. I still love sweets and haven't really given up on them, but I do eat smaller quantities. 
• I hope to take the journey further into the future. I do believe it's based on sound science, and I believe in the power of constant personal inventory and cognitive control. I want to become more consistent again as things end, so I can continue to make things into habits rather than projects. 

My numbers and stats are dismal. They might indicate failure, but instead, here I am, still working the program, even in small bites. I answer when my coach reaches out to me. I lurk on the forums and see what others are up to. I am still aware, and that matters to me. 

My PN journey has been the first steps, rather than a complete round trip. I'm a process person, and I do believe this has altered many of my basic processes in a positive way. I'm frustrated with myself a lot of days as I look at how far behind I let myself get with travel and family circumstances, but I can use the frustration as a stepping stone instead of a stumbling block. 

Now I'm going to go make myself a breakfast scramble with chard, peppers, onions, carrots, and some eggs. 

Me on Saturday, at my son's wedding. 

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A Fitness Mission Statement

I'm trying really hard to get back into Precision Nutrition. I really lost the thread in New Zealand when it was so hard to work out each day and I didn't have too much choice over my foods. Then the letdown after New Zealand left me really floudering. Now I'm stuck in a depression caused by my thought processes about some of the struggles of my children, and I'm trying hard to put myself in a better position, mentally and physically.
If I were to quickly draft a fitness mission statement, I think it might say something like this: I will live according to what I know about what is right for my body and spirit by eating moderately, getting exercise and being willing to change when I get into bad habits.
I don't know yet if that will be the final version, but it includes some things that are important to me. I feel like focusing on what I believe at the deepest level will help me to come up with something authentic. The word of wisdom and the Lord's expectations of me as an autonomous, intelligent daughter of God are big motivators. I want to set a good example for Evan and taking better care of myself is a start.

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