Welling Up

I'm getting to that point. The one in that Anais Nin quote about the bud and the blossom. The one in that blog post about the Harajuku Moment. I'm almost tired enough of where I am to do the hard things. Today I carried my workout bag with me all day. I didn't make it to the gym, because I put people first and spent time with friends, then did backed up work (editing from JANUARY--for the love!) and then shopped for our party tomorrow, but I took the dang bag with me. If I decide to get up in the morning and go to the gym, I don't even need to get out of my pajamas. I can just walk to the car and drive to the gym. And maybe I will.

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My Precision Nutrition Story

Today our assignment is to tell our Precision Nutrition Story. Part of my story is in all the numbers and graphs on the PN site, but most of it is in my head.

Today, I'm determined to be positive, in spite of the numbers. Here are the things I see, feel and believe are different after this time in the PN program:

• I look different. As of now, I think I have a permanent weight loss of about 12-15 lbs, but with my body, it's hard to tell. Hormones and other factors regularly cause my weight to fluctuate up to 10 lbs in a week. My clothes do fit differently, and I've gone down sizes in certain things. 
• I am stronger. I could never do a full pushup, and now I don't need to do knee pushups at all. I'm actually really happy about that. Still no pullups or anything close, but I can keep working. 
• I really do try to do something for my fitness every day, whether its yoga or a few rounds of a 7 workout, or something. I'm still intimidated and largely uncomfortable with weight work in a gym, but I can keep working on that as well. 
• I think about food differently. The basic habits of eating slowly and eating protein and veg at every meal have helped me tremendously. I still love sweets and haven't really given up on them, but I do eat smaller quantities. 
• I hope to take the journey further into the future. I do believe it's based on sound science, and I believe in the power of constant personal inventory and cognitive control. I want to become more consistent again as things end, so I can continue to make things into habits rather than projects. 

My numbers and stats are dismal. They might indicate failure, but instead, here I am, still working the program, even in small bites. I answer when my coach reaches out to me. I lurk on the forums and see what others are up to. I am still aware, and that matters to me. 

My PN journey has been the first steps, rather than a complete round trip. I'm a process person, and I do believe this has altered many of my basic processes in a positive way. I'm frustrated with myself a lot of days as I look at how far behind I let myself get with travel and family circumstances, but I can use the frustration as a stepping stone instead of a stumbling block. 

Now I'm going to go make myself a breakfast scramble with chard, peppers, onions, carrots, and some eggs. 

Me on Saturday, at my son's wedding. 

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As It Always Is With Me: Ground to a Halt

Steady progress doesn't seem to be possible with me, and I am taking a very real risk of drowning right now. I am feeling overwhelmed, now that I'm back from 6 weeks of travel and have been back for about 10 days. I feel keenly all that I'm supposed to be doing. I'm completely behind on Precision Nutrition-in fact flirting with the idea of giving up, but I can't really cancel the payments, so I'm going to keep going in some way.

I can't get work. I try to charge what's reasonable for a wedding, and they talk me down by half, then don't hire me. Other photo sessions are canceling out.

Gwen and I have talked about Mediocrity and how both of us have been able to get through life going on half-cylinders. I need to step up my game, but I'm paralyzed. I'm overwhelmed almost by too many resources, instruction, examples and all that. I don't know what I'm capable of by myself. I need to move forward, to get better at shooting video, to share more of my knitting photography. I want to make money and be noticed for my talents, but it seems to be not in the cards.

I have been listening to books about business and the why behind doing what you do and all that, and nothing is really inspiring me. I feel somehow blocked rather than creative. I feel strangely like I'm doing too much, being too fancy, rather than keeping things simple and doing my best. I rely on gadgets and other people's insights rather than doing what I think is good.

I'm back in that zone where if there is no outside appointment or obligation, I don't do anything. I must snap out of it. Must. The Year of Making is helping, but some days even that feels like a burden and I quickly at the last minute choose something to sort of give myself credit for rather than actually putting effort into something real. I hate it when I do that. I need to learn to take the time to do things properly. I probably should be documenting my year of making here, but that seems too much.

This isn't PMS, it doesn't feel like depression, I just don't know what I really want. It's scary sometimes to admit that what I really want is to stay cozily in my bed and read all day, but sometimes it is just that. But that's not the sort of life I should want, so I get up and do other stuff. All the time. Sometimes it legitimately makes me feel great and I want to do more, sometimes I just feel like such a phoney. "Don't you know I just got out of bed? Not because I'm depressed and pathetic but because it's comfortable and warm!!"

Writing this post is not revealing any solutions to my mind, but I'm going to put it up anyway. If you read and have any thoughts for me, please share. I'd love to know what you think.

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When Traveling...

It's hard to stay on track. I started a thread on the forums about how to do well on the program while traveling and have already had some great ideas posted. I'm excited for the next time I travel to be better prepared to stay on track.

I just got back from a week away from home, and some days I did great with the PN program, while some days not so much. I need to pack the following:

• Resistance bands
• Yoga mat
• Determination to do SOMETHING, no matter what the circumstances. 

The forum post I liked best today was from Coach Pam. She reminded us to remember the big three: 

Habit

Workout

Lesson

I appreciate simplicity like that. It helps. I also loved the lesson yesterday. It made me cry a little because I felt like a nurtured child. That may sound silly, but I did. I felt like someone tuned into my inner workings and really understood me. That mattered. And it helps also. It was called PN'ers do it slowly. The suggestion is: If you overeat, do it slowly. It's about becoming mindful of what we eat, and the lesson made it clear that we are all on the same team here. The coaches have been where I am. 

...right now, if you're struggling with binge eating, we won't ask you to stop. Binge eating does something important and valuable for you. Right now, over-eating solves a problem for you (even if it creates other problems).

So, if this resonates with you, let's talk about another solution. (If you don't struggle with over-eating, that's cool. Skip today's lesson, keep on eating slowly, and we'll see you back in class tomorrow.)

Instead of "don't over-eat", over-eat slowly.

Wait... what?

That's right reader. I have not been asked to stop eating my beloved chocolate chips yet. Just to eat them slowly. To think about how, where, why and when I'm eating them. Wow.

I can do that. I actually can.

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