Steady progress doesn't seem to be possible with me, and I am taking a very real risk of drowning right now. I am feeling overwhelmed, now that I'm back from 6 weeks of travel and have been back for about 10 days. I feel keenly all that I'm supposed to be doing. I'm completely behind on Precision Nutrition-in fact flirting with the idea of giving up, but I can't really cancel the payments, so I'm going to keep going in some way.
I can't get work. I try to charge what's reasonable for a wedding, and they talk me down by half, then don't hire me. Other photo sessions are canceling out.
Gwen and I have talked about Mediocrity and how both of us have been able to get through life going on half-cylinders. I need to step up my game, but I'm paralyzed. I'm overwhelmed almost by too many resources, instruction, examples and all that. I don't know what I'm capable of by myself. I need to move forward, to get better at shooting video, to share more of my knitting photography. I want to make money and be noticed for my talents, but it seems to be not in the cards.
I have been listening to books about business and the why behind doing what you do and all that, and nothing is really inspiring me. I feel somehow blocked rather than creative. I feel strangely like I'm doing too much, being too fancy, rather than keeping things simple and doing my best. I rely on gadgets and other people's insights rather than doing what I think is good.
I'm back in that zone where if there is no outside appointment or obligation, I don't do anything. I must snap out of it. Must. The Year of Making is helping, but some days even that feels like a burden and I quickly at the last minute choose something to sort of give myself credit for rather than actually putting effort into something real. I hate it when I do that. I need to learn to take the time to do things properly. I probably should be documenting my year of making here, but that seems too much.
This isn't PMS, it doesn't feel like depression, I just don't know what I really want. It's scary sometimes to admit that what I really want is to stay cozily in my bed and read all day, but sometimes it is just that. But that's not the sort of life I should want, so I get up and do other stuff. All the time. Sometimes it legitimately makes me feel great and I want to do more, sometimes I just feel like such a phoney. "Don't you know I just got out of bed? Not because I'm depressed and pathetic but because it's comfortable and warm!!"
Writing this post is not revealing any solutions to my mind, but I'm going to put it up anyway. If you read and have any thoughts for me, please share. I'd love to know what you think.
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