A Yoga Project

One of my dreams is to actually practice all the things I’m truly interested in, and regularly. I’ve long enjoyed both the practice and the idea of yoga and in the last year, as my back pain has blossomed, yoga has been one of the things that has exhibited actually curative effects. When I’m regular at yoga,  my back feels better. It’s as simple as that. I move better, I notice less pain, and I feel stronger.

At the recommendation of a friend, I subscribed to the free YouTube channel Sarah Beth Yoga earlier this year. She’s skilled, low-key and down-to-earth, and I really like the variety of her videos. She has a paid membership, but I’m not committed enough to feel like that is justified. 

I love this text from my dear friend, Beth, whom I recently got to visit. I told her that I felt a bit bereft after my visit with her, so I was staying busy, working on the sourdough starter she gave me, editing the photos from her daughter’s wedding reception, etc.. Her response gave me a moment of pause and reminded me to “be wise.”

Isn’t it always that way?  Feeling the empty space after it was so full and overflowing?  Maybe that’s why some of us go overboard trying to fill the space.  

I hope to have some room to fill before long. But hopefully I’ll be wise:). 

It’s so good to have friends, resources, and options. I’m blessed and I don’t take it lightly. I do tend to go a little crazy with motivational challenges, projects and something-alongs, but they do motivate me and get me moving, even if I am not perfect at completing them. I’m also learning to let some of the opportunities go in the name of slowing down, focusing better, and finishing some of the things I’ve already started.

Today's yoga practice was a simple vinyasa flow practice. I felt my mind empty and focus. I felt my breath open up. I was able to achieve some consistent minutes of Ujjayi breath, and I felt energized afterwards, even though I hadn't slept well. This is pretty convincing evidence for me to keep at it and keep trying to make it a daily part of my routine.

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As It Always Is With Me: Ground to a Halt

Steady progress doesn't seem to be possible with me, and I am taking a very real risk of drowning right now. I am feeling overwhelmed, now that I'm back from 6 weeks of travel and have been back for about 10 days. I feel keenly all that I'm supposed to be doing. I'm completely behind on Precision Nutrition-in fact flirting with the idea of giving up, but I can't really cancel the payments, so I'm going to keep going in some way.

I can't get work. I try to charge what's reasonable for a wedding, and they talk me down by half, then don't hire me. Other photo sessions are canceling out.

Gwen and I have talked about Mediocrity and how both of us have been able to get through life going on half-cylinders. I need to step up my game, but I'm paralyzed. I'm overwhelmed almost by too many resources, instruction, examples and all that. I don't know what I'm capable of by myself. I need to move forward, to get better at shooting video, to share more of my knitting photography. I want to make money and be noticed for my talents, but it seems to be not in the cards.

I have been listening to books about business and the why behind doing what you do and all that, and nothing is really inspiring me. I feel somehow blocked rather than creative. I feel strangely like I'm doing too much, being too fancy, rather than keeping things simple and doing my best. I rely on gadgets and other people's insights rather than doing what I think is good.

I'm back in that zone where if there is no outside appointment or obligation, I don't do anything. I must snap out of it. Must. The Year of Making is helping, but some days even that feels like a burden and I quickly at the last minute choose something to sort of give myself credit for rather than actually putting effort into something real. I hate it when I do that. I need to learn to take the time to do things properly. I probably should be documenting my year of making here, but that seems too much.

This isn't PMS, it doesn't feel like depression, I just don't know what I really want. It's scary sometimes to admit that what I really want is to stay cozily in my bed and read all day, but sometimes it is just that. But that's not the sort of life I should want, so I get up and do other stuff. All the time. Sometimes it legitimately makes me feel great and I want to do more, sometimes I just feel like such a phoney. "Don't you know I just got out of bed? Not because I'm depressed and pathetic but because it's comfortable and warm!!"

Writing this post is not revealing any solutions to my mind, but I'm going to put it up anyway. If you read and have any thoughts for me, please share. I'd love to know what you think.

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It's All About Me

So, sorry about yesterday's post looking like a ransom note. I had copied and pasted some text from the PN website and forgot to change the formatting of that text. 

Today, I did my workout. The PN one. Start to finish. I was challenged. I was sweating. I didn't start it until 4:45 in the afternoon even though I put on my workout clothes at 8:30 am this morning. I was thinking about why I was doing it so late in the day, at such a random time. Then it happened. 

As I was counting down in the plank position, sucking up my abs and tightening my glutes, I had this gut-wrenching realization wash over me like a wave. I actually had tears. I realized that all morning and afternoon, I was waiting to do my workout until I felt like I was caught up. I am a terrible procrastinator. I put things off until they can't be put off anymore, then I do them and they always get done, mostly on time, and I do a good job of it. I feel so guilty about always running a little behind where I should be, I don't feel that the workout is justified. 

What???

A couple of days ago, our lesson was about doing the opposite of what we've done before, because clearly, that plan hasn't worked out, at least in terms of weight loss and the like. 

What if I did the opposite and did my workout first thing in the morning, then got to work on other stuff? 

I guess I need to find out. 

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