A Yoga Project

September 3, 2018 • daily practice, routines and practices, starting over, taking care of myself, working out, yoga

One of my dreams is to actually practice all the things I’m truly interested in, and regularly. I’ve long enjoyed both the practice and the idea of yoga and in the last year, as my back pain has blossomed, yoga has been one of the things that has exhibited actually curative effects. When I’m regular at yoga, my back feels better. It’s as simple as that. I move better, I notice less pain, and I feel stronger.

At the recommendation of a friend, I subscribed to the free YouTube channel Sarah Beth Yoga earlier this year. She’s skilled, low-key and down-to-earth, and I really like the variety of her videos. She has a paid membership, but I’m not committed enough to feel like that is justified.

I love this text from my dear friend, Beth, whom I recently got to visit. I told her that I felt a bit bereft after my visit with her, so I was staying busy, working on the sourdough starter she gave me, editing the photos from her daughter’s wedding reception, etc.. Her response gave me a moment of pause and reminded me to “be wise.”

Isn’t it always that way? Feeling the empty space after it was so full and overflowing? Maybe that’s why some of us go overboard trying to fill the space.

I hope to have some room to fill before long. But hopefully I’ll be wise:).

It’s so good to have friends, resources, and options. I’m blessed and I don’t take it lightly. I do tend to go a little crazy with motivational challenges, projects and something-alongs, but they do motivate me and get me moving, even if I am not perfect at completing them. I’m also learning to let some of the opportunities go in the name of slowing down, focusing better, and finishing some of the things I’ve already started.

Today's yoga practice was a simple vinyasa flow practice. I felt my mind empty and focus. I felt my breath open up. I was able to achieve some consistent minutes of Ujjayi breath, and I felt energized afterwards, even though I hadn't slept well. This is pretty convincing evidence for me to keep at it and keep trying to make it a daily part of my routine.

September 1, 2018 • crafting, knitting, new projects, ravelry, stashbusting

I'm really trying to use up my stash yarns, so this project from Heidi Gustad of Hands Occupied appealed to me. I'll be driving through mountains on my upcoming trip, and spending time in them, so I think this simple project is perfect. I'm going to take 3 projects with me--socks, this blanket and my Rona. I hope to have Bluestem done before I leave.

August 31, 2018 • beauty in the ordinary, creativity is creativity, daily practice, photos, Project365, routines and practices

I'm using my recent birthday to inaugurate a Project 365. In this age of Instagram, it's fairly essential that I develop a more consistent style to my photography. One of the ways I want to explore is to take more photos just for fun. I'm going to document this here rather than on my photography blog, because I want to keep that one in the general shape of a professional blog. This blog is for all my messy experimentation and trying.

So, here are the days of catching up for the last week:

(iPhone) August 23 Lancaster, CA: My birthday was spent at my friend Beth Davis' house. It was the day before her daughter's wedding, so I took a few quiet moments in the morning to sit in the cool morning air of the desert. While there, I experimented with some new film-like filters on my phone. This is her son's bike, just sitting in the front yard. It was a delightfully ordinary day.

(Canon 5DM4) August 24, Los Angeles, California. This was on the front lawn of the LA temple. I was not the photographer for the wedding, but did have all my gear with me. It was fun to snap a few shots here and there. We enlarged this one for the reception and Emily, the bride, really liked it. That was nice to hear. I do think this photo is my "style." It's natural, the focus is selective, and it's composed off center. Those are definitely things I tend to do.

(iPhone, Portrait Mode) August 26th 2018 I love walks in the desert at Sunset. This is me playing around with my phone, pushing Portrait Mode to create depth of field without a face in the photo. It fights me on the focus sometimes, but I love how this one turned out.

(Canon 6D, 24-105mm) August 27, Ventura, CA. We went for a beach day and had a few hours of lovely sunshine, then a storm blew across the horizon, it clouded over and the temperature dropped 10 degrees. We ditched the beach and went for Tacos. It was a really lovely day.

(Canon EOS something--my film camera) 28 I'm counting this even though it was taken a couple of weeks ago. I was on a plane all day on this day. I got the scans back this week and I played around with them. It was fun to fiddle with film again.

(Canon 5dM4) August 29. I was taking photos for possible featuring in a hub I'm a member of, and came up with this one. I didn't get featured, but it was fun to capture and document Eric always being willing to clean up after I cook.

(iPhone) August 30. This was taken on a walk around the neighborhood. I looked up and was blown away by the clarity of the sky, the beauty of the green, and the harmony of the entire scene. I do love that this is my neighborhood.

August 21, 2018

I wake up feeling warm and relaxed. All is well in the first moments of the morning. I think I linger in bed and even work here because it’s such a safe, pleasant place for me. I love being wrapped up and cozy. I love the color of my room and the quilt on my bed. My room has the close, hobbity feeling I love in a space. My bed, like so many others, was a central hub of family life, as much a gathering place as the dining room table. I miss that and treasure the memories.

Anxiety about the coming day often keeps me in bed, and little but an obligation to another person will get me up. If there’s nothing that involves another person on my agenda, I can happily stay here all day to work and nap and cocoon. I revel in the privacy, especially in this age I’m in of sharing my house.

I’ve always loved to linger in that space just after waking and before starting the day. It’s not a particularly useful quirk of my personality, and I suspect by the time I’ve mastered it, I’ll be at an age when it will be acceptable for me to stay in bed all day.

Such is the way of the anxious introvert. With a beautiful quilt in a cozy room.

August 19, 2018

Something has shifted. After 3 years, my house is mine again. I willingly shared it with a series of non-family members who each needed temporary homes, and while it was a privilege and a joy to do so, I’m relieved and in a bit of shock that this season is over.

I feel a newness welling up, as I expressed in the last post. I’m enrolled in a coaching program designed to reprogram me in terms of weight. I’ve lost the proximity of an important friend. So many changes have happened in the last 3 months. I’m planning a long road trip. I’m revisiting all the things I claim to love to do and trying to do them regularly, to see if I want to keep them all in my life. Things like knitting, spinning, art journaling, papercrafting, reading, writing, sewing, gardening, etc.. I’ve felt such a compulsion to try and collect and learn about and do all these things over the years, but now I feel a little suffocated and want to find out what really fits. I want to figure out what I want the next 40 years of my life to really be. Really.

The time of house-sharing came right on the heels of Evan leaving for his mission, so the house has never really been empty except for a few months during Evan’s freshman year of college. This really is new.

New is good.

March 30, 2018 • abundance, everyday stuff, moving forward, photos, realistic expectations

I'm getting to that point. The one in that Anais Nin quote about the bud and the blossom. The one in that blog post about the Harajuku Moment. I'm almost tired enough of where I am to do the hard things. Today I carried my workout bag with me all day. I didn't make it to the gym, because I put people first and spent time with friends, then did backed up work (editing from JANUARY--for the love!) and then shopped for our party tomorrow, but I took the dang bag with me. If I decide to get up in the morning and go to the gym, I don't even need to get out of my pajamas. I can just walk to the car and drive to the gym. And maybe I will.

January 3, 2017 • beauty in the ordinary, everyday stuff, feeling depressed, moving forward, positivity

I hate it when I feel like this. These days of depression that set in when my people leave and I'm left to think about all the things.

Today it took me literally all day to just put away the Christmas decorations, and I had to stop every hour and just sit. I had NO energy. None. All day long the snapchats and instagrams of people doing fun things and being together were making me feel petty and jealous and weird, even though I wouldn't have wanted to go anywhere had I been invited. What is UP with that situation? Why did I keep responding and looking?

Now I'm restless and can't settle for sleep, even though tomorrow is a long, busy day and I need to get rest. So it goes.

I sent some cards out, and gathered some things to give away, and I'm glad about that.
I took steps to get ready for my weekend away that starts Thursday. I'm taking an immersive class in design, so I have swatches to make and things to pack.

I'm considering joining a knitalong to use up some yarn that I've had for a while. It's always good to use up stash.

So, it's not as if the day was a total waste, but I feel like a waste, useless and stuck. I don't even know why.

Hopefully I can get it out of my system and reboot. I'm going to try and go to bed now.

These are the lovely Colorstorms yarns I'm thinking of making into
a Marley scarf. I'll end on a positive.

November 8, 2016

I know, how random. I'm back. I need someplace to write that's different from my regular blog, so here I am.

Here are some questions I encountered today in my Precision Nutrition Lesson:

Who are you?
What do you stand for?
What is truly important?
How are you going to live that every day?
Here are my answers:

I'm a daughter of God first. That's the most fundamental part of me. It informs and empowers all other things that I am. Because of that, I'm eternal, powerful, intelligent, and I am an agent unto myself, able to make choices and respond to every situation of life with knowledge and strength.

I stand for all the truths contained in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which includes being free to choose good and evil (and the fact that there has to be evil in order to really be free--if there was only good, there would be no opportunity for choice and growth). I stand for new beginnings, for forgiveness and repentance. I stand for charity and daily growth.

What is truly important is the connection between people. Relationships, support, love and learning matter most. The gospel is designed to make relationships between people who love each other last forever.

I can live this every day by continuing to focus on others but also recognizing that I have to take care of myself in order to do those things. In order to be truly connected to those I love, I have to be connected to myself first.

May 27, 2015 • health and fitness, positivity, Precision Nutrition, realistic expectations, weight loss

Today our assignment is to tell our Precision Nutrition Story. Part of my story is in all the numbers and graphs on the PN site, but most of it is in my head.

Today, I'm determined to be positive, in spite of the numbers. Here are the things I see, feel and believe are different after this time in the PN program:

I look different. As of now, I think I have a permanent weight loss of about 12-15 lbs, but with my body, it's hard to tell. Hormones and other factors regularly cause my weight to fluctuate up to 10 lbs in a week. My clothes do fit differently, and I've gone down sizes in certain things.
I am stronger. I could never do a full pushup, and now I don't need to do knee pushups at all. I'm actually really happy about that. Still no pullups or anything close, but I can keep working.
I really do try to do something for my fitness every day, whether its yoga or a few rounds of a 7 workout, or something. I'm still intimidated and largely uncomfortable with weight work in a gym, but I can keep working on that as well.
I think about food differently. The basic habits of eating slowly and eating protein and veg at every meal have helped me tremendously. I still love sweets and haven't really given up on them, but I do eat smaller quantities.
I hope to take the journey further into the future. I do believe it's based on sound science, and I believe in the power of constant personal inventory and cognitive control. I want to become more consistent again as things end, so I can continue to make things into habits rather than projects.

My numbers and stats are dismal. They might indicate failure, but instead, here I am, still working the program, even in small bites. I answer when my coach reaches out to me. I lurk on the forums and see what others are up to. I am still aware, and that matters to me.

My PN journey has been the first steps, rather than a complete round trip. I'm a process person, and I do believe this has altered many of my basic processes in a positive way. I'm frustrated with myself a lot of days as I look at how far behind I let myself get with travel and family circumstances, but I can use the frustration as a stepping stone instead of a stumbling block.

Now I'm going to go make myself a breakfast scramble with chard, peppers, onions, carrots, and some eggs.

Me on Saturday, at my son's wedding.

May 10, 2015

I'm trying really hard to get back into Precision Nutrition. I really lost the thread in New Zealand when it was so hard to work out each day and I didn't have too much choice over my foods. Then the letdown after New Zealand left me really floudering. Now I'm stuck in a depression caused by my thought processes about some of the struggles of my children, and I'm trying hard to put myself in a better position, mentally and physically.
If I were to quickly draft a fitness mission statement, I think it might say something like this: I will live according to what I know about what is right for my body and spirit by eating moderately, getting exercise and being willing to change when I get into bad habits.
I don't know yet if that will be the final version, but it includes some things that are important to me. I feel like focusing on what I believe at the deepest level will help me to come up with something authentic. The word of wisdom and the Lord's expectations of me as an autonomous, intelligent daughter of God are big motivators. I want to set a good example for Evan and taking better care of myself is a start.

January 24, 2015 • cognitive restructuring, everyday stuff, realistic expectations, starting over, taking care of myself

Steady progress doesn't seem to be possible with me, and I am taking a very real risk of drowning right now. I am feeling overwhelmed, now that I'm back from 6 weeks of travel and have been back for about 10 days. I feel keenly all that I'm supposed to be doing. I'm completely behind on Precision Nutrition-in fact flirting with the idea of giving up, but I can't really cancel the payments, so I'm going to keep going in some way.

I can't get work. I try to charge what's reasonable for a wedding, and they talk me down by half, then don't hire me. Other photo sessions are canceling out.

Gwen and I have talked about Mediocrity and how both of us have been able to get through life going on half-cylinders. I need to step up my game, but I'm paralyzed. I'm overwhelmed almost by too many resources, instruction, examples and all that. I don't know what I'm capable of by myself. I need to move forward, to get better at shooting video, to share more of my knitting photography. I want to make money and be noticed for my talents, but it seems to be not in the cards.

I have been listening to books about business and the why behind doing what you do and all that, and nothing is really inspiring me. I feel somehow blocked rather than creative. I feel strangely like I'm doing too much, being too fancy, rather than keeping things simple and doing my best. I rely on gadgets and other people's insights rather than doing what I think is good.

I'm back in that zone where if there is no outside appointment or obligation, I don't do anything. I must snap out of it. Must. The Year of Making is helping, but some days even that feels like a burden and I quickly at the last minute choose something to sort of give myself credit for rather than actually putting effort into something real. I hate it when I do that. I need to learn to take the time to do things properly. I probably should be documenting my year of making here, but that seems too much.

This isn't PMS, it doesn't feel like depression, I just don't know what I really want. It's scary sometimes to admit that what I really want is to stay cozily in my bed and read all day, but sometimes it is just that. But that's not the sort of life I should want, so I get up and do other stuff. All the time. Sometimes it legitimately makes me feel great and I want to do more, sometimes I just feel like such a phoney. "Don't you know I just got out of bed? Not because I'm depressed and pathetic but because it's comfortable and warm!!"

Writing this post is not revealing any solutions to my mind, but I'm going to put it up anyway. If you read and have any thoughts for me, please share. I'd love to know what you think.

October 6, 2014 • abundance, eating well, guilt as a tool, health and fitness, Precision Nutrition

Guacamole, quinoa chips, fancy cheese and crackers

Ready to make cinnamon rolls. Yum!

My experience this weekend was enlightening for me. Maybe it doesn't really square with PN principles, but it's a positive change for me so I thought I'd record it. Twice a year my church holds a worldwide conference that is broadcast in 5 sessions over the course of a weekend. It is always celebratory time in my life and includes comfort foods and treats that are traditional for our family. We spent time with friends and all weekend, I ate what I wanted, and did not ask for any special accommodations or to have foods changed for me.

The good news is that I felt a new control and consciousness in choosing to have some of everything, knowing that it would not mean failure for my new habits. Eating so freely felt luxurious and fun instead of guilt-inducing. There was balance, and today I'm ready to get back to business. Taking a break didn't ruin me, it refreshed me.

I also felt strength and control because even though I decided not to worry about protein at every meal and 5 servings of vegetables, I did think a lot about eating slowly and eating to 80%. It was an absolutely wonderful time and it helped me see that the power of an abundance mentality rather than a scarcity attitude when it comes to food.

How was your weekend?

September 29, 2014 • food, Phase 3, Precision Nutrition, weight loss, working out

A new phase means we ended the old phase with photos. I still don't love taking those photos, but this time, I did see some differences. Last month I wasn't at home when I took the photos (different background, different outfit, etc.) so it was harder to compare, but this month, the photo set up was the same, and my body is looking different.

I don't know if I will ever be able to rescue my poor tummy from the effects of 5 C-sections, so I may never lose my poochy belly, and I don't think I'd ever spring the 5 grand to get a tummy tuck, but hopefully losing the fat will make a difference. Of course I've lost the most inches from my poor, already-flat chest, but hey, whatcha gonna do...

Today's new habit is to Make Smart Carb Choices. I like that phrasing. Smart. I am a smart person, so that is in my possible trajectory.

There were two options in the lesson assignments: eat no refined sugar foods at all today, or replace all starches with greens or beans. I chose option 2. I feel that is within my reach and even to do it at a higher nutritional age, in other words, to strive for mastery.

So, instead of oatmeal this morning, I opted for this:

Mixed baby greens and mushrooms were
sauteed in about a tsp of vegetable oil till soft. I turned down the heat,
added 1 egg and scrambled it with the lot. Add a perfectly ripe pear
from this week's produce co-op and a cup of peppermint tea in a
Star Wars cup.

I am still happiest with the small and subtle changes in my mind and heart that I'm seeing as a result of this program. I've moved forward in important ways that go beyond how I eat. Since the mind and body are connected, this makes perfect sense, of course. I am grateful for the lessons and nudging to change thought processes.

And so, it's a new week. I've been losing about a half pound a week on average, and I feel like that is a great start. I have more than 26 lbs to lose though, so I would like to accelerate things a little so that by the end of the year I will have lost more like 35-40 lbs. It will help my knee so much to not have that weight on me.

As for the new workout, it all looks good. I so appreciate the modifications page. Since I let my gym membership go to save some money, I am doing everything at home. I think I can manage everything this go-round except the deadlift, but there are several alternatives I can try. I am also committed to getting steps each day. No number in mind, just staying active. I feel so much better.

It's been a rough allergy month. Shortness of breath, a sore throat and even swollen lymph nodes on my collarbone have made some workouts challenging lately, but I can do it. If I can't muster the complexity of the PN workout, I feel really good about doing 4 or 5 circuits of a 7 workout. It really challenges me.

Today, I have a fair amount of work to get done. I will do my workout now, get showered and dressed and get about 2 hours of work done before I go help a friend. Then I will help another friend and be able to do several hours of work this evening. That schedule works for me. Even though I get up early, I move very slowly through the morning hours. I don't want to give in entirely to that tendency, but I also don't have to completely ignore it. I feel achy and stiff in the mornings and sometimes I have to be up for 3 or 4 hours before I can muster a workout. So, I don't feel guilty about that.

Off I go!

September 24, 2014 • chocolate, peace, Precision Nutrition, weight

The weather is changing to fall. I'm cozying up. I'm back home and feeling settled.

As for Precision Nutrition, I've lost about 5 lbs or so, which thrills me. I've lost some girth, and the jeans are feeling different. Not loose yet, but thinking about it. That's cool. I'm getting my period this week, so I'm feeling a little bloaty and not expecting a loss this week, but that's okay.

My mind is easier somehow. The first round of lessons were really about the mind, not so much the body. My mind is complicated, my body is pretty simple. Heal the mind, heal the body. It can be done. We read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown and it was really powerful for me. I'll review it on my other blog soon.

I already like veggies and smoothies and things like that. I already like exercise. I'm putting it together and that's good. I think the single biggest changes I've made are eating slowly and the eating to 80% full. That really matters to me. So, it follows that I'm eating fewer calories. Add that to doing more strength training, and my body will change. It's science.

Coach Pam asked me why I think I'm having success, and I think it boils down to the fact that this is a program for grown ups. It's not a club, it's not gimmicky or precious. It's facts and science and offers opportunities for me to succeed. I can take the opportunities or not. That mode of behavior change resonates with me. I'm in control.

I also like that it runs on the principle of positive behavior change rather than negative. When my kids were little, somewhere I read that instead of telling a kid "DON'T do that!" all the time, which leaves a blank space in their mind, tell them what to DO. It makes sense, and it worked for me as a mother.

In PN, instead of saying "Don't eat junk!" This program instead says "Do eat this. And this. and Do exercise. And be good to yourself. And be honest." It's filling the time and the belly and the mind with actions rather than only pointing out mistakes and missteps.

The bottom line is that I haven't given up chocolate. No one has told me I have to, so I haven't. I am doing all the things I have been told to do, and so I think I'm eating less chocolate. I know I am. I choose to eat the chocolate as a reward or because it's delicious, not because it's a nervous response to stress.

So, that's why it's working for me. Choosing positive ACTIONS instead of being left with blank spaces left by being told NO. It works for me and my stubborn mind. I can go at my own pace and because I choose to do so, I'm more likely to want to.

September 3, 2014 • health and fitness, Precision Nutrition, shediditanyway, starting over, working out

Something I learned to say out loud from Melody Ross was "She did it anyway." What that means to me is:

It doesn't have to be perfect to be worth the effort. That is a pretty big deal for me.
"It" is anything from working out to being happy to eating well, to forgiving, to not getting caught up in emotional stuff that is not real. ETC.. (I have a lot of etcetera in my life.)
Sometimes buckling down and just doing what you're told is the best thing of all. Trusting someone else's judgement and experience rather than trying to limp forward with all my past failures can actually be freeing.

Today's bit for the Did it Anyway file is that I worked out.

A real, challenging, exactly-what-was-on-the-schedule workout that made me sweat and my muscles tremble. I did it even though I didn't have a gym. I didn't have all the right equipment. I'm staying in my son's college married-student apartment that gives new meaning to the word cozy. But I did it anyway. I compromised and was creative. I also reaped the rewards of forethought, as I'm traveling and brought some good essential equipment with me. I actually made a decision to pack this stuff first, as a sort of declaration that I'm really going to make this lifestyle change I'm going for a top priority. I want changes in my body and mind. I'm pretty okay already, so this doesn't cancel out all that I am and have been and experienced. I'm looking for abundance. To add to. And this is one small way to do it. Pack fitness stuff first. More and more, I can feel that translating to actions like Read PN lesson first. Work out first. Strategize eating first.

My tiny foam roller, yoga mat, jump rope, resistance band and
workout clothes, all in a packing cube.

Of COURSE it's not happening all the time, but that's the point here.

The more important moment in my mind is not the moment of lapse, but the day AFTER the moment of lapse. Will I start again or let the lapse (the not doing something formerly known as failure) get me?

Doing it anyway means I have infinite do-overs. Eventually, 2 do-overs in a row becomes a streak of starting again, and after that, it becomes a habit.

It felt good this morning to do the whole workout, wholeheartedly. To persist through the shaking legs and stop and correct my form, then complete the reps.

I hope I'll remember that feeling tomorrow when the challenges arise. I hope you will, too.

August 27, 2014

Ah, we're getting into some deep things over at PN. Today's questions are about fear, following up on yesterday's lesson about doing difficult things.

I identified that my difficult-easy thing is worrying all the time about everything. Gosh I'm a worrier. I do believe I have anxiety, because I have physical symptoms such as tightness in my chest and changes in breathing and heart rate fairly often.

My difficult-hard is facing the things I worry about and acting instead of just worrying. I think that worrying myself to death will get things done but it actually doesn't.

I do think meditation helps, and I'm grateful for the nod to try the Oprah meditations. I think they will help me get in the habit of meditation. I have decided that my new 5 minute habit (I've fairly well mastered getting onto PN everyday) will be to meditate in quiet, with a mantra (for me it will be a bible or book of Mormon verse) and feel the focus and stillness that comes with that practice. I'm actually going to try and make it 20 minutes eventually, but I'll be happy with 5 right now as I become more regular about it.

When it comes to the other habits: Eating slowly and Eating to 80%, I'm a work in progress. I will be starting a new habit on Monday, and I wonder how that will go. I haven't quite mastered these last two quite yet, but I can keep working on them.

I absolutely adore this scripture from the Doctrine and Covenants and it will be the focus of my meditation today:

You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Let me cheerfully do all that is in my power. What can I do? I can have a hopeful attitude. I can assume the best about myself and others. I can be cheerful about not having those dang chocolate chips.

August 16, 2014 • aha moments, cognitive restructuring, new paradigm

I listened to The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It was a good listen, and I hope to study it more in weeks to come.

The main idea that is starting to distill in my mind with all this work through PN, Brave Girls, the scriptures and my own prayers is that happiness is not found outside me. It's an idea that has been presented to me and that I've been trying to internalize for many years. I can now feel the reality of this truth forming inside me, slowly taking shape into something knowable and tangible.

I'm getting rid of junk in my house without worrying about missing something. I'm just letting it go rather than thinking that I'm not a good friend if I don't keep all those Christmas cards. Goodness. That really makes me sound crazy, doesn't it?

It is all connected though. Looking for love and fulfillment and happiness in all the wrong places. It's been here all along, and I've had plenty of experience with it, just for some reason I often feel like this can't be it. But yet it is. Happiness is extraordinary in it's ordinaryness. It's around and accessible, every day. Not far away or contained in a catalog or the way I look in a dress.

Gosh, it sounds so obvious when it's written down. I suppose that's the point.

Here's to who I am right now.

August 14, 2014 • binge eating, one habit at a time, realistic expectations

It's hard to stay on track. I started a thread on the forums about how to do well on the program while traveling and have already had some great ideas posted. I'm excited for the next time I travel to be better prepared to stay on track.

I just got back from a week away from home, and some days I did great with the PN program, while some days not so much. I need to pack the following:

Resistance bands
Yoga mat
Determination to do SOMETHING, no matter what the circumstances.

The forum post I liked best today was from Coach Pam. She reminded us to remember the big three:

Habit

Workout

Lesson

I appreciate simplicity like that. It helps. I also loved the lesson yesterday. It made me cry a little because I felt like a nurtured child. That may sound silly, but I did. I felt like someone tuned into my inner workings and really understood me. That mattered. And it helps also. It was called PN'ers do it slowly. The suggestion is: If you overeat, do it slowly. It's about becoming mindful of what we eat, and the lesson made it clear that we are all on the same team here. The coaches have been where I am.

...right now, if you're struggling with binge eating, we won't ask you to stop. Binge eating does something important and valuable for you. Right now, over-eating solves a problem for you (even if it creates other problems).

So, if this resonates with you, let's talk about another solution. (If you don't struggle with over-eating, that's cool. Skip today's lesson, keep on eating slowly, and we'll see you back in class tomorrow.)

Instead of "don't over-eat", over-eat slowly.

Wait... what?

That's right reader. I have not been asked to stop eating my beloved chocolate chips yet. Just to eat them slowly. To think about how, where, why and when I'm eating them. Wow.

I can do that. I actually can.

August 4, 2014 • health and fitness, Precision Nutrition, taking care of myself, working out

So, sorry about yesterday's post looking like a ransom note. I had copied and pasted some text from the PN website and forgot to change the formatting of that text.

Today, I did my workout. The PN one. Start to finish. I was challenged. I was sweating. I didn't start it until 4:45 in the afternoon even though I put on my workout clothes at 8:30 am this morning. I was thinking about why I was doing it so late in the day, at such a random time. Then it happened.

As I was counting down in the plank position, sucking up my abs and tightening my glutes, I had this gut-wrenching realization wash over me like a wave. I actually had tears. I realized that all morning and afternoon, I was waiting to do my workout until I felt like I was caught up. I am a terrible procrastinator. I put things off until they can't be put off anymore, then I do them and they always get done, mostly on time, and I do a good job of it. I feel so guilty about always running a little behind where I should be, I don't feel that the workout is justified.

What???

A couple of days ago, our lesson was about doing the opposite of what we've done before, because clearly, that plan hasn't worked out, at least in terms of weight loss and the like.

What if I did the opposite and did my workout first thing in the morning, then got to work on other stuff?

I guess I need to find out.

August 2, 2014

Here is a big question from today's lesson on Precision Nutrition:

How can I plan and prepare for my week ahead to give myself the best chance of succeeding with my lessons, habits, and workouts?

I struggle so much with a question like this, because I know how, but for me the weakness is in the follow-up. I can make a list. I can get my workout clothes out the night before. I can have my workout cheat sheets all printed or loaded up on my ipad to take to the gym.

Etc. Etc.

I've made plans and prepared like this over and over, then the morning comes, and there is nothing in me that motivates me to get up and put those plans into action. I'm don't want to move. I'm warm and comfortable. I'm bored with the routine. I don't hate my body enough to get up and go take care of it. If I do get up, it's to do something for someone else. Otherwise, inertia takes over.

I guess what this says is that I'm not really ready to change. I want things to be different, but I'm not ready to do the changing.

That's how lame I am. Or how lame that declaration makes me feel.

About some things, I am highly proactive. About many things, I really am reactive. Only the last minute or a mess-up will really motivate me to do things differently.

Along with PN, I'm also reentering the world of Brave Girls. They teach CBT through art and writing. The basics are the same. You have to figure out what's true before you can move forward.

Hard stuff.

Here is what's true. I'm not always honest about what I'm capable of or willing to do. When I over commit or say I'll do something that is not really right for me to do, I generally end up feeling resentful and blocked about doing it.

Here is what is also true. Exercise and movement hurt more and more for me these days. I know that doing them more often will result in less weight and more flexibility and strength, thus less eventual pain, but that is abstract. I do not deal well in the abstract. I need tangibility. What is tangible is what my body is touching and experiencing right now. It's difficult for me to move beyond this moment.

So here I am. Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, and I can move forward if I want to.

That's the big question. Do I want to? I want to be forward, in a new place, but I don't necessarily want to move there. I want to be transported there, and that is just not how it works.

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