Fear, Difficulty and Doing it Anyway

Ah, we're getting into some deep things over at PN. Today's questions are about fear, following up on yesterday's lesson about doing difficult things.

I identified that my difficult-easy thing is worrying all the time about everything. Gosh I'm a worrier. I do believe I have anxiety, because I have physical symptoms such as tightness in my chest and changes in breathing and heart rate fairly often.

My difficult-hard is facing the things I worry about and acting instead of just worrying. I think that worrying myself to death will get things done but it actually doesn't.

I do think meditation helps, and I'm grateful for the nod to try the Oprah meditations. I think they will help me get in the habit of meditation. I have decided that my new 5 minute habit (I've fairly well mastered getting onto PN everyday) will be to meditate in quiet, with a mantra (for me it will be a bible or book of Mormon verse) and feel the focus and stillness that comes with that practice. I'm actually going to try and make it 20 minutes eventually, but I'll be happy with 5 right now as I become more regular about it.

When it comes to the other habits: Eating slowly and Eating to 80%, I'm a work in progress. I will be starting a new habit on Monday, and I wonder how that will go. I haven't quite mastered these last two quite yet, but I can keep working on them.

I absolutely adore this scripture from the Doctrine and Covenants and it will be the focus of my meditation today:

You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Let me cheerfully do all that is in my power. What can I do? I can have a hopeful attitude. I can assume the best about myself and others. I can be cheerful about not having those dang chocolate chips.

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Where Happiness Lives

I listened to The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It was a good listen, and I hope to study it more in weeks to come.

The main idea that is starting to distill in my mind with all this work through PN, Brave Girls, the scriptures and my own prayers is that happiness is not found outside me. It's an idea that has been presented to me and that I've been trying to internalize for many years. I can now feel the reality of this truth forming inside me, slowly taking shape into something knowable and tangible.

I'm getting rid of junk in my house without worrying about missing something. I'm just letting it go rather than thinking that I'm not a good friend if I don't keep all those Christmas cards. Goodness. That really makes me sound crazy, doesn't it?

It is all connected though. Looking for love and fulfillment and happiness in all the wrong places. It's been here all along, and I've had plenty of experience with it, just for some reason I often feel like this can't be it. But yet it is. Happiness is extraordinary in it's ordinaryness. It's around and accessible, every day. Not far away or contained in a catalog or the way I look in a dress.

Gosh, it sounds so obvious when it's written down. I suppose that's the point.

Here's to who I am right now.

 

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When Traveling...

It's hard to stay on track. I started a thread on the forums about how to do well on the program while traveling and have already had some great ideas posted. I'm excited for the next time I travel to be better prepared to stay on track.

I just got back from a week away from home, and some days I did great with the PN program, while some days not so much. I need to pack the following:

• Resistance bands
• Yoga mat
• Determination to do SOMETHING, no matter what the circumstances. 

The forum post I liked best today was from Coach Pam. She reminded us to remember the big three: 

Habit

Workout

Lesson

I appreciate simplicity like that. It helps. I also loved the lesson yesterday. It made me cry a little because I felt like a nurtured child. That may sound silly, but I did. I felt like someone tuned into my inner workings and really understood me. That mattered. And it helps also. It was called PN'ers do it slowly. The suggestion is: If you overeat, do it slowly. It's about becoming mindful of what we eat, and the lesson made it clear that we are all on the same team here. The coaches have been where I am. 

...right now, if you're struggling with binge eating, we won't ask you to stop. Binge eating does something important and valuable for you. Right now, over-eating solves a problem for you (even if it creates other problems).

So, if this resonates with you, let's talk about another solution. (If you don't struggle with over-eating, that's cool. Skip today's lesson, keep on eating slowly, and we'll see you back in class tomorrow.)

Instead of "don't over-eat", over-eat slowly.

Wait... what?

That's right reader. I have not been asked to stop eating my beloved chocolate chips yet. Just to eat them slowly. To think about how, where, why and when I'm eating them. Wow.

I can do that. I actually can.

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It's All About Me

So, sorry about yesterday's post looking like a ransom note. I had copied and pasted some text from the PN website and forgot to change the formatting of that text. 

Today, I did my workout. The PN one. Start to finish. I was challenged. I was sweating. I didn't start it until 4:45 in the afternoon even though I put on my workout clothes at 8:30 am this morning. I was thinking about why I was doing it so late in the day, at such a random time. Then it happened. 

As I was counting down in the plank position, sucking up my abs and tightening my glutes, I had this gut-wrenching realization wash over me like a wave. I actually had tears. I realized that all morning and afternoon, I was waiting to do my workout until I felt like I was caught up. I am a terrible procrastinator. I put things off until they can't be put off anymore, then I do them and they always get done, mostly on time, and I do a good job of it. I feel so guilty about always running a little behind where I should be, I don't feel that the workout is justified. 

What???

A couple of days ago, our lesson was about doing the opposite of what we've done before, because clearly, that plan hasn't worked out, at least in terms of weight loss and the like. 

What if I did the opposite and did my workout first thing in the morning, then got to work on other stuff? 

I guess I need to find out. 

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Sunday's Lesson

Here is a big question from today's lesson on Precision Nutrition:

How can I plan and prepare for my week ahead to give myself the best chance of succeeding with my lessons, habits, and workouts?

I struggle so much with a question like this, because I know how, but for me the weakness is in the follow-up. I can make a list. I can get my workout clothes out the night before. I can have my workout cheat sheets all printed or loaded up on my ipad to take to the gym.

Etc. Etc.

I've made plans and prepared like this over and over, then the morning comes, and there is nothing in me that motivates me to get up and put those plans into action. I'm don't want to move. I'm warm and comfortable. I'm bored with the routine. I don't hate my body enough to get up and go take care of it. If I do get up, it's to do something for someone else. Otherwise, inertia takes over.

I guess what this says is that I'm not really ready to change. I want things to be different, but I'm not ready to do the changing.

That's how lame I am. Or how lame that declaration makes me feel.

About some things, I am highly proactive. About many things, I really am reactive. Only the last minute or a mess-up will really motivate me to do things differently.

Along with PN, I'm also reentering the world of Brave Girls. They teach CBT through art and writing. The basics are the same. You have to figure out what's true before you can move forward.

Hard stuff.

Here is what's true. I'm not always honest about what I'm capable of or willing to do. When I over commit or say I'll do something that is not really right for me to do, I generally end up feeling resentful and blocked about doing it.

Here is what is also true. Exercise and movement hurt more and more for me these days. I know that doing them more often will result in less weight and more flexibility and strength, thus less eventual pain, but that is abstract. I do not deal well in the abstract. I need tangibility. What is tangible is what my body is touching and experiencing right now. It's difficult for me to move beyond this moment.

So here I am. Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, and I can move forward if I want to.

That's the big question. Do I want to? I want to be forward, in a new place, but I don't necessarily want to move there. I want to be transported there, and that is just not how it works.

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Measurement Day

Today we posted our measurements and took our first baseline photos. While of course I think I look ugly in the photos, let's just get that out of the way right off the bat,  it wasn't a huge deal for me.

Two things.

• One: As a visual, artistic person who studies art and beauty in all forms, I know that I'm not a pretty woman. I'm certainly not malformed or diseased, and I have a nice smile and inner beauty and all that, but I'm not pretty. Even when I was a skinny size 6 I knew I wasn't pretty. And you don't need to consolingly tell me I am pretty to make me feel better. See below. 
• Two: Not being pretty never bothered me too much. It was just something I was aware of, like the fact that I have brown eyes. So, I'm not looking to magically become pretty. I CAN however, look like a better version of myself. I can be fitter and stronger and have nicer proportions. That is possible through habit change and body transformation. 

As for the actual taking of the photos or looking at them, well, I look at myself in the mirror regularly. Sometimes I think I'm hoping I'll hear a voice asking me what my three wishes are and that will be the end of all my weight and health woes. So far, no voices except in my head. My husband took the photos and his is a blind and devoted love, so I didn't feel self-conscious. He was probably thrilled to see me in just the tankini, haha, which I never wear alone, always covered by a rash guard and board shorts.

I know Coach Pam has seen plenty of people like me, plus her job is to be on my side, so I'm not worried about her opinion. Most people don't look like models or "after" pics. Lots of us look like me in some way or another. Size 12, baby (Sorry for the language). The pictures DO show that I'm not very fit, and my body is covered with a layer of fat that most likely is not awesome for my health. That says to me that I should change. Now, because of the 5 c-sections, I may never have a flat belly unless I opt for more surgery to reverse the effects of those surgeries. I know women who had twins or who had c-sections that do go for the tummy tuck, and they've been very happy. I don't have the money for an elective plastic surgery right now, but who knows, maybe in 5 years I will. And who knows, after I lose the belly fat, maybe the poor, flayed skin and muscle won't be able to recover and I'll have to have the surgery. Ha.

Anyhoo, I won't burn your eyes with my before pics, but they are done and uploaded. Let the after begin.

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A New Creative Habit

This blog is languishing, so I've decided I'm going to use it to record my experience with an organization called Precision Nutrition.  I consider it all to be part of the same process. Creativity in art, in health, in eating, I believe it all comes from the same place in my heart and mind, and requires similar motivations and energies.

I'm about done with the two week introductory period of a year-long adventure to change my habits regarding health and fitness.

It's been interesting. For the last two weeks, all we were asked to do was

• Do a 5-minute action every day. Mine was to check in on the website and read the lesson every day. 
• Read or listen to a short lesson about the process of cognitive behavior recalibration and submit a very short assignment.
• Do a very basic strength-training workout, complete with foam rolling routine and extensive stretching. 

It feels doable and positive. There are people of all walks of life and all levels of fitness. There are people my age and older as well as people very young. It's all women in my group. 

I felt like I'd been put in the right group when I saw our coach and she looked like she could be my sister; and the name of our team is Ohana; and how Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind...

Very cool. 

I'm excited and ready and have committed 100 bucks a month to this idea, so I'm going to give it my best for such a major investment. I'm doing this instead of taking other classes this year. I'm going to use it as a chance to let go of more than just 40-50 pounds. I'm going to combine what I learn in PN with finishing up my Body Restoration class with Brave Girls. I'm also going to use some of the principles from Julia Cameron and the Artist's Way and her behavior modification book about weight loss. 

All these together are resonating for me. Combining health science, art, writing and forced accountability sounds like a system that might work for me. 

More to come. Tomorrow I have to submit measurements and before photos. That doesn't sound too fun, but it's only data, as my coach says. 

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