Fear, Difficulty and Doing it Anyway

Ah, we're getting into some deep things over at PN. Today's questions are about fear, following up on yesterday's lesson about doing difficult things.

I identified that my difficult-easy thing is worrying all the time about everything. Gosh I'm a worrier. I do believe I have anxiety, because I have physical symptoms such as tightness in my chest and changes in breathing and heart rate fairly often.

My difficult-hard is facing the things I worry about and acting instead of just worrying. I think that worrying myself to death will get things done but it actually doesn't.

I do think meditation helps, and I'm grateful for the nod to try the Oprah meditations. I think they will help me get in the habit of meditation. I have decided that my new 5 minute habit (I've fairly well mastered getting onto PN everyday) will be to meditate in quiet, with a mantra (for me it will be a bible or book of Mormon verse) and feel the focus and stillness that comes with that practice. I'm actually going to try and make it 20 minutes eventually, but I'll be happy with 5 right now as I become more regular about it.

When it comes to the other habits: Eating slowly and Eating to 80%, I'm a work in progress. I will be starting a new habit on Monday, and I wonder how that will go. I haven't quite mastered these last two quite yet, but I can keep working on them.

I absolutely adore this scripture from the Doctrine and Covenants and it will be the focus of my meditation today:

You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Let me cheerfully do all that is in my power. What can I do? I can have a hopeful attitude. I can assume the best about myself and others. I can be cheerful about not having those dang chocolate chips.

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Where Happiness Lives

I listened to The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It was a good listen, and I hope to study it more in weeks to come.

The main idea that is starting to distill in my mind with all this work through PN, Brave Girls, the scriptures and my own prayers is that happiness is not found outside me. It's an idea that has been presented to me and that I've been trying to internalize for many years. I can now feel the reality of this truth forming inside me, slowly taking shape into something knowable and tangible.

I'm getting rid of junk in my house without worrying about missing something. I'm just letting it go rather than thinking that I'm not a good friend if I don't keep all those Christmas cards. Goodness. That really makes me sound crazy, doesn't it?

It is all connected though. Looking for love and fulfillment and happiness in all the wrong places. It's been here all along, and I've had plenty of experience with it, just for some reason I often feel like this can't be it. But yet it is. Happiness is extraordinary in it's ordinaryness. It's around and accessible, every day. Not far away or contained in a catalog or the way I look in a dress.

Gosh, it sounds so obvious when it's written down. I suppose that's the point.

Here's to who I am right now.

 

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When Traveling...

It's hard to stay on track. I started a thread on the forums about how to do well on the program while traveling and have already had some great ideas posted. I'm excited for the next time I travel to be better prepared to stay on track.

I just got back from a week away from home, and some days I did great with the PN program, while some days not so much. I need to pack the following:

• Resistance bands
• Yoga mat
• Determination to do SOMETHING, no matter what the circumstances. 

The forum post I liked best today was from Coach Pam. She reminded us to remember the big three: 

Habit

Workout

Lesson

I appreciate simplicity like that. It helps. I also loved the lesson yesterday. It made me cry a little because I felt like a nurtured child. That may sound silly, but I did. I felt like someone tuned into my inner workings and really understood me. That mattered. And it helps also. It was called PN'ers do it slowly. The suggestion is: If you overeat, do it slowly. It's about becoming mindful of what we eat, and the lesson made it clear that we are all on the same team here. The coaches have been where I am. 

...right now, if you're struggling with binge eating, we won't ask you to stop. Binge eating does something important and valuable for you. Right now, over-eating solves a problem for you (even if it creates other problems).

So, if this resonates with you, let's talk about another solution. (If you don't struggle with over-eating, that's cool. Skip today's lesson, keep on eating slowly, and we'll see you back in class tomorrow.)

Instead of "don't over-eat", over-eat slowly.

Wait... what?

That's right reader. I have not been asked to stop eating my beloved chocolate chips yet. Just to eat them slowly. To think about how, where, why and when I'm eating them. Wow.

I can do that. I actually can.

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It's All About Me

So, sorry about yesterday's post looking like a ransom note. I had copied and pasted some text from the PN website and forgot to change the formatting of that text. 

Today, I did my workout. The PN one. Start to finish. I was challenged. I was sweating. I didn't start it until 4:45 in the afternoon even though I put on my workout clothes at 8:30 am this morning. I was thinking about why I was doing it so late in the day, at such a random time. Then it happened. 

As I was counting down in the plank position, sucking up my abs and tightening my glutes, I had this gut-wrenching realization wash over me like a wave. I actually had tears. I realized that all morning and afternoon, I was waiting to do my workout until I felt like I was caught up. I am a terrible procrastinator. I put things off until they can't be put off anymore, then I do them and they always get done, mostly on time, and I do a good job of it. I feel so guilty about always running a little behind where I should be, I don't feel that the workout is justified. 

What???

A couple of days ago, our lesson was about doing the opposite of what we've done before, because clearly, that plan hasn't worked out, at least in terms of weight loss and the like. 

What if I did the opposite and did my workout first thing in the morning, then got to work on other stuff? 

I guess I need to find out. 

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Sunday's Lesson

Here is a big question from today's lesson on Precision Nutrition:

How can I plan and prepare for my week ahead to give myself the best chance of succeeding with my lessons, habits, and workouts?

I struggle so much with a question like this, because I know how, but for me the weakness is in the follow-up. I can make a list. I can get my workout clothes out the night before. I can have my workout cheat sheets all printed or loaded up on my ipad to take to the gym.

Etc. Etc.

I've made plans and prepared like this over and over, then the morning comes, and there is nothing in me that motivates me to get up and put those plans into action. I'm don't want to move. I'm warm and comfortable. I'm bored with the routine. I don't hate my body enough to get up and go take care of it. If I do get up, it's to do something for someone else. Otherwise, inertia takes over.

I guess what this says is that I'm not really ready to change. I want things to be different, but I'm not ready to do the changing.

That's how lame I am. Or how lame that declaration makes me feel.

About some things, I am highly proactive. About many things, I really am reactive. Only the last minute or a mess-up will really motivate me to do things differently.

Along with PN, I'm also reentering the world of Brave Girls. They teach CBT through art and writing. The basics are the same. You have to figure out what's true before you can move forward.

Hard stuff.

Here is what's true. I'm not always honest about what I'm capable of or willing to do. When I over commit or say I'll do something that is not really right for me to do, I generally end up feeling resentful and blocked about doing it.

Here is what is also true. Exercise and movement hurt more and more for me these days. I know that doing them more often will result in less weight and more flexibility and strength, thus less eventual pain, but that is abstract. I do not deal well in the abstract. I need tangibility. What is tangible is what my body is touching and experiencing right now. It's difficult for me to move beyond this moment.

So here I am. Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, and I can move forward if I want to.

That's the big question. Do I want to? I want to be forward, in a new place, but I don't necessarily want to move there. I want to be transported there, and that is just not how it works.

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