Welling Up

I'm getting to that point. The one in that Anais Nin quote about the bud and the blossom. The one in that blog post about the Harajuku Moment. I'm almost tired enough of where I am to do the hard things. Today I carried my workout bag with me all day. I didn't make it to the gym, because I put people first and spent time with friends, then did backed up work (editing from JANUARY--for the love!) and then shopped for our party tomorrow, but I took the dang bag with me. If I decide to get up in the morning and go to the gym, I don't even need to get out of my pajamas. I can just walk to the car and drive to the gym. And maybe I will.

I took a photo. An artsy one. Just my phone, but from now on, I'm going to take a camera with me everywhere. My Fuji. Or maybe even a weird toy camera with film. Something. I've stopped practicing photography and I'm wondering why I'm not getting better. I'm so stubborn.

I joined a photography loop on instagram. It's actually a little terrifying, because it's all 20 and 30-somethings.

I did have a thought about my photography though. For some reason, in that area of my expertise, I'm outcome oriented, rather than process oriented. I'm very good at using my skills to get to a certain objective. Many of the photographers that I feel intimidated by, or compare myself to unfavorably, are just showing the process--the love of it, the artistic pursuit of it. They are playing based on a prompt or a trend. That's wonderful, but I am a practical, working photographer who is creating a specific outcome for a client, not taking photos just for the love of it. I hope that doesn't sound all zero-sum-y and snarky and jealous. It actually made me feel better for a minute. Like my photos are kind of apples to zebras. Different thing altogether. And that they are okay. More than okay. They are good. Maybe I do need to play a bit more with my photography, and create more art, but the fact is that I have enough work to produce that I don't always have time to play. Do I want clients who let me play? Maybe. I have to think about that.

Traditional, classic photography does have value, and I must remember that. It doesn't all have to be gorgeous and playful. Sometimes you want what you want--a documentary photo of everyone looking at the camera, not looking weird, recognizable enough so that in 100 years, the descendants of that family can clearly see who is who and not wonder which kid is which because they are snuggled up in a knot, staring at each other. That's lovely, but it might not be helpful in telling a family's story in the future. Not the basics of the story.

And then a thing just happened. I went to add today's little phone pic--the raindrop one above, and saw this pic pop up under the "from my blog" tab in google photos. And I remembered that I'm also good at watching, observing, waiting for the right moment. This photo makes me happy. I like the light and the moment and the story.

I am enough. It annoys me that at the age of 51 I have to convince myself of that, but maybe that's okay. I'm just a little past halfway through this life and I'm starting to get it. Maybe I'm right on schedule. I need to pretend I live in a cabin in Montana with no access to the stupid internet and just do what makes me happy.